I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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