rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize