He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
