I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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