Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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