Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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