He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
