New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
