I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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