you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
