Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
