Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Randomize
