Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
