Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
