then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
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