I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Randomize
