It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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