the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
