I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize