Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
