I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
