Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
