so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My pussy is not your playground.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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