There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
