I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
