She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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