Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
