Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize