i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
