I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
