don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
