My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
