perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
