Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
