I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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