I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize