I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
