i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
