Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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