I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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