drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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