Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
