i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
