I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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