I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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