Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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