Where are you?
In a non slutty way
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
