bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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