well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize