Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
