there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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