Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
