I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
