I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
