I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
