Sponge bath it is.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
