I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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