I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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