Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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