You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
