Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
