I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I wish there were birth control emojis
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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