Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
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