dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
