Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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