Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
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